Chronicles in continuing higher education

Feeling restless

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 00:34:27 GMT

There is a difference between happiness and being content. Happiness is a moment in time, like with a bowl of ice cream at a summer festival. Contentedness is an outlook on life. Generally, I think of myself as pretty content. But lately I have been just feeling restless.

There are certainly lots of factors: lousy Wisconsin summer weather, the perpetual headache that doesn't want to go away, the job has flattened, my two cool new co-workers were both absent this week, so the flattened job was super busy and I can't keep up. And there are lots of fun things to do in Milwaukee and no one wants to do them with me so I find myself flying solo more often than I probably should. I gave up on my church so I am at a new church where I have even fewer ties than I did before. And I feel like I have nothing keeping me in Milwaukee, at least on an emotional and personal level. But the professional obligations are enough to keep me where I am until next spring.

I don't know what my purpose in writing this down is, other than trying to put words to the restlessness bubbling in me. And I cry my frustrations out to God and whoever else might listen because I can't afford to feel this unsettled for the next nine months.

God, give me a content heart so I can live the best life for you.

I have blue toes

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 02:53:14 GMT

Well, I have blue toenails. My mom and I went for pedicures on Monday (or "to get our toes done" as my dad would say). So I got blue toenails.

It was a nice vacation. When you only make it home 2 or 3 times a year, your parents treat you like a house guest. But I'm OK with letting someone else make the coffee.

Fourth of July was great. The newlyweds, Joneen and Gio, and my cousin Sara all came over. We had good old Midwestern beer brats on the grill. Then we went to fireworks at the Fort. My parents were disappointed, said the show was just a glimmer of its former self. That may be true. But I think my parents just need to let themselves be entertained more easily. I had fun.

Went to visit my Grandma and aunts on Saturday. Playing Apples to Apples with my 81 year old grandma, middle aged aunts and mother and a 10-year-old boy cousin certainly is an interesting dynamic.

Went to the beach on Sunday after church. Almost didn't make it. Mom has been having some car trouble and the check engine light came on again when we were coming home from Longview. She didn't think we should go to the beach. But we got in the car on Sunday and there were no lights. Dad took it as a sign, so we went to the beach after church. Had a lovely brunch, took a walk on the beach, had some coffee. A good day.

The rest of the trip was pretty laid back. Tiff picked me up from the airport on Wednesday and we had a leisurely dinner and walk to catch up.

Work was busy today, but not as busy as it would have been if it were not for my awesome co-workers Alison and Hollie. They're awesome.

And the trip kind of continued tonight. Called a friend, who I tried to meet up with when I was home but wasn't able to connect with, and was going to leave a message, but I actually caught him on the phone and we talked for almost two and a half hours. Means I didn't make it through the list of things I wanted to catch up on, but that's quite OK. The list can wait for another day.

Joneen sent this to me. The song will get stuck in your head.

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 02:51:11 GMT

My relationship with books

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 22:08:01 GMT

As a child, my life was framed by books. I was a girl who read a lot of books. It was what I did. I still like to read books, though not at the volume I did as a child. But I have read enough of the New York Times Book Review to know I am not a book-snob. I don't have a degree in literature. I'm not into the right authors. There are a number of "classics," I have never read and probably never will. I have read NYT bestsellers and Oprah's picks. I have read John Grisham and "The Da Vinci Code" and Dostoevsky. The New York Times once asked readers if they had "literary deal-breakers," books that a potential date must have read or not read in order to be considered dateable. The only deal-breaker I have is the man that doesn't read at all. For me, a book worth reading is not about who says I should read it, it's about a story worth reading. If it absorbs me, if it teaches me something, if it entertains me, I'm in. If not, oh well.

Which brings me to the annual Printer's Row Book Fair in Chicago. I didn't come in with an agenda, though it is fun to look at the early edition L. Frank Baum books. I came in search of a good story. And, a good deal. Hey, there's a recession you know.

So I found stories...

"Alias Grace" by Margaret Atwood (prolific author, I recently read the "The Robber Bride")

"Amsterdam" by Ian McEwan (author of "Atonement")

Both of those were about 5 dollars each.

Then I got to a tent offering 3 for 10 dollars. Didn't seen anything that caught my eye at first, but new stories called to me.

"The Poet of Tolstoy Park" by Sonny Brewer

"Girls in Peril" by Karen Lee Boren (a local, new author)

"Colony Girl" by Thomas Rayfiel.

And the deal of the day, a hardcover anthology of short stories called "Only Child - Writers on the singular joys and solitary sorrows of growing up solo" edited by Deborah Siegel and Daphne Uviller. Only 3 dollars!!

And I got a pizza cook book, because a girl's gotta eat, for 5 dollars. And a couple of gifts for others. Mostly, I'm just content to lose myself in some new stories. And I don't care who knows it.

How easy would it be to walk away?

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 22:00:47 GMT

Saturday was a glorious, productive day. I studied a little in the morning, went for a nice long walk, and then capped it off with dinner with friends and a couple hours exploring Body Worlds at the Milwaukee Public Museum. It was a great day. It was a busy day. And as I was driving home, I was plain tired. And I started to dread Sunday.

It shouldn't be this way, but sometimes the thought of church puts me in a bad mood. And church on less than a full night's sleep is even worse. So I got to thinking, since there was no Sunday school, maybe I would sleep in and go to 11 a.m. service instead of 9:30. But I didn't really like that ideas because going to late service means I don't get out of church until 12:30 and usually I have an errand or two to run after church and at that rate, my Sunday evaporates pretty quickly. Then the thought crossed my mind, "Maybe I just won't go at all."

There was a period of time when I stopped going to church. I rationalized it, of course. I told myself my faith didn't change, it was a matter of circumstances. I told other people I went to the church of George Stephanopoulos. But that was then. I guess this is where religious guilt comes in (it's not just for Catholics, you know). I went to 9:30 service this morning, as usual. Because I was up anyway, even though I was so tired and went to bed so late. And of all things, I hit serious traffic on the freeway this morning. Turns out, 2 of 3 lanes on the freeway were closed to repave pothole city. As I inched along, the thought crossed my mind again, "Maybe I just won't go." It's a big church. I wouldn't be missed. But traffic finally cleared up and I was back to freeway speed and the car drove itself to the church parking lot.

Our senior pastor is on sabbatical, so we have been having a rotation of the other senior pastors preaching. Today and for the last several weeks, we have heard from the church academic. Now, I'm an academic, a nerd even. But academics on Sunday are uninspiring. And I had to sit through a very slick video on the importance of giving money to the church. I get it, tithing and offerings are important. But they shouldn't be coerced. I felt like I was watching PBS during the annual pledge drive. But during the pledge drive you can change the channel. No such luck here.

It's Sunday, I'm at church, and I'm working on being in a bad mood. Gee, this feels familiar. The only redeeming part of the morning was that one of my Sunday School girls came up to me to say hi and chat for a few minutes. That made me smile.

But the whole thing has made me wonder how easy it would be to walk away from the church. I'm not talking about walking away from God or giving up on the faith. I can't fathom that. I'm talking about walking away from the institution. Reclaiming my Sunday mornings for reading the newspapers and watching Sunday morning political shows. For lack of a better word, it scares me that I can so easily entertain the idea of walking away from the institution that is supposed to be fundamental to the Christian faith. Corporate worship is important. Fellowship is important. Teaching is important. Sharing communion and whispered prayers and working for the greater good are all important. And yet I have come to associate Sunday mornings with getting cut off by a beemer in the church parking lot, watching slick video and music productions, and sitting through the fifth week of academic treatisies on Paul's missionary journeys. No wonder I think about walking away.

But I didn't walk away today. I keep trying. The church, the institution, is trying. The institution is made up of imperfect people after all. I believe the collective heart is in the right place. They want to create an atmosphere where we can gather in joy and worship, where we can all learn together about the God who gives us life and meaning. Sometimes it doesn't come together quite right. Sometimes I get annoyed. But they keep trying. And I keep coming. Though I can't always fathom why.

I don't know how easy it would be to actually move from thought to action and to walk away from this imperfect, annoying institution that is the church. I think it might be harder than I imagine. Something I can't quite comprehend draws me back.

Maybe next week will take my breath away.

Playing in the kitchen

Mon, 26 May 2008 00:57:40 GMT

I like to play in the kitchen and try new things. Sometimes, it gets a little messy.

But it looks like this mess was totally worth it.

We'll find out tomorrow.

Writer's Block: Anthropomorphic buddies

Sun, 18 May 2008 21:32:37 GMT

Have you ever named or befriended an inanimate object? What did you call it?

View 502 Answers

I couldn't resist answering this one when I saw it on the livejournal home page.

I named my thesis Max. We went out for a while. Then I unceremoniously dumped him. But we still flirt. I'm still trying to find him a home in a nice peer-reviewed journal. Then maybe my heart will move on.

Better post an update

Sat, 17 May 2008 05:18:19 GMT

So I don't update this often. I have other means of posting my occupational/professional musings http://www.stephaniechristopher.blogspot.com. And there is always myspace and flickr. But sometimes it is good to reflect.

It has been a season of joy. My dear friend recently got married. Her giddiness is contagious in general. It was unfathomable on this day.

It is easy for me to lose myself on a day like that. Of course you are supposed to lose yourself on a day like that. So I gave of myself. And in the quiet moments I reflected on life, the choices I've made, how I ended up here. I usually try not to waste much time second guessing. I know I am where I am supposed to be. Still, it took me a couple of days after I got back home to get myself out of my head.

And then it was my birthday. Time to let others take care of me. And boy did I get spoiled. One word: Wicked!

Needless to say I have been immensely blessed.

Tomorrow I will clean. Maybe I will eat birthday cake for breakfast. There will definitely be birthday ice cream. Summer is stretched out before me. And adventures and change always seem to find me in the summer.

better communication

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 22:59:57 GMT

Penelope Trunk, the Brazen Careerist, asserts that blogging is essential for a good career http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/05/23/blogging-essential-for-a-good-career/. So I have started another career-oriented blog: http://stephaniechristopher.blogspot.com.

I will try to post there from my next great adventure The International Conference on Communication in Healthcare http://www.aachonline.org/programs/internationalconference/.

I leave bright and early tomorrow morning.

Picture perfect weekend

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 19:17:10 GMT

My picture perfect weekend started on Friday. Jen got some free tickets to Festa Italiana. We enjoyed tasty Italian food and the evening's fireworks show.
Saturday dawned picture perfect. I decided to take advantage of the weather and head back to the lakefront. I started at Discovery World, Milwaukee's science and technology museum. I hadn't been there since last fall and they have added lots of new exhibits since then. But the bright blue sky called me outside and I took a walk along the new state park trail.
I was quite content with my weekend but the fun wasn't done yet. My cousin Wendi called out of the blue and said she was near Milwaukee and asked if I was up for dinner. Of course, I'm always up for dinner and time with friends. So we went out to dinner and she ended up spending the night. We had lots of fun and she joined me for church this morning before going to visit another friend and then heading home.
All in all, it was a picture perfect weekend.

The happiest place on earth is...

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 22:07:09 GMT

the Publisher's Row Book fair in Chicago. And thanks to my friend Tiff, I was able to make my first trip to this happy place yesterday.
I like books. I bought books. I was reasonably well-restrained and got some good deals and some fun stuff, and a couple of books for friends (because the only thing I like as much as books is giving books to friends).
The thing about books is that they are heavy. I am now sporting a rub burn on my stiff and sore shoulder from the bag of books I was carrying yesterday. It is of course well worth it. And it's great to be able to go an adventure with friends doing something I really enjoy, rather than just being along for the ride just to get out of the house.
And I have already broke one book in, as I made a new salsa recipe out of my salsa book this afternoon. Life is pretty good.

A study in contrasts

Sat, 26 May 2007 21:57:56 GMT

surprises and fun stuff to look forward to

Tue, 15 May 2007 00:24:47 GMT

This was my favorite surprise of the week.

Things I am looking forward to:
-Going to North Carolina for Jill's graduation. Jill has worked hard and I am really proud of her. I'm looking forward to celebrating, and looking forward to a break in my routine.
-Wedding shower in Kaukana. Normally this wouldn't be exciting, but it's with my Mom's cousins and they are fun and rowdy.
-The gigantic book fair that Tiff is taking me to in Chicago. Books and books and books!
-Going to Portland to spend time with my family in July.
-Sixth graders. They were desperate for grown-ups in the eighth grade Sunday school, which is how I got involved this year. But normally, they like to start leaders with the sixth graders and have them follow them through middle school. So next fall, I get a group of eager sixth graders.
All in all, I know I have been blessed.

the wrong cohort?

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 03:13:17 GMT

Not really.
I try not to second guess God's plan.
But it just seems like I was in the wrong cohort at the grad school. I was with the the under-achieving hard drinkers. I should have been with the over-achievers who just finished with comps this weekend and celebrated with ice cream. I can dance in the store and spontaneously jump up and down and my joy is embraced.
Of course, I was and am in the right place. I am confident that I am where God wants me to be.
And I am grateful for it all. Because I get to hang out with the ice cream cohort and there is a chance I may still get to influence the others.

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!!

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 05:26:50 GMT

So I am posting on this now, just to try and beat Tiff.

Tonight was Oz with Orchestra, a screening of the Wizard of Oz with the score performed by the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra!

Let's just start by saying it was amazing. Just amazing! Seeing it on the big screen and with a huge audience just opens your eyes to new details, even for someone who has seen it as often as I have. And the score was big and beautiful. Some of you know how much this movie means to me, and it meant so much to see it from a new perspective.

And it was good to have friends to share this experience with. I have missed having friends near by who appreciate the arts, but still have fun and take joy in it. This is how the arts are meants to be appreciated. You should be singing for joy when it's done!

It was a lovely night. Once again, I am reminded how blessed I am.

Resolution

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 22:29:34 GMT

Someone asked me about my new year's resolutions and I said I didn't have one. I was unable at the time to give the real reason.
The reason I did not make a resolution on January 1 is because I resolve the same thing everyday. I pray to God and ask him to give the courage to live well. I ask him to help me remember that I have been truly blessed beyond anything I could imagine. I ask him to help me remember that he guides each and every step I take and that I can be confident that at this moment, I am exactly where he wants me to be.
Of course if I was going to make a new year's resolution maybe it should be not to put myself in situations where I am going to be harrassed into doing something I don't want to do and then ignored when I say no. Or if I am going to put myself in these situations, I should at least drive my own car so I can leave when I'm not having fun anymore.
Oh well, ancora imparo.

Read Psalms 119

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 02:44:21 GMT

Just read it.

tired

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 02:18:23 GMT

I've been feeling tired lately. Not so much physically tired, but that raw, deep emotional exhaustion. Just lots of stuff. And the weather. I keep thinking about depression. It's not that I don't want to do anything and just keep holed up in my apartment. I'm just a little skittish about interacting with people. Seems like I am having a little trouble focusing. Can't handle more emotional baggage. Too tired.
So I just keep going, one day at a time, remember to say a prayer as I go.

so this is what a weekend is like

Sun, 15 Oct 2006 23:54:12 GMT

I have marveled for the last several months at this whole novelty of having a weekend. You know, you leave work on friday evening, and you go home and you don't go back to work until monday. Quite a concept.
But I reached new heights this weekend. This weekend included, but was not limited to: heart walk, bucks pre-season game, first attempt at making salsa, grocery shopping, church, building furniture, organizing my closet and vacuuming.
Seriously.
Next weekend, we are going to try that whole being a bum thing.

lousy goodbyes

Sat, 30 Sep 2006 23:32:42 GMT

I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the line, I became lousy at goodbyes. Not lousy, I just turned into a crier. I could blame my mother. I could blame Joneen. I could blame living half-way across the country from my family and dearest loved ones. Or all of the above and more.

So I had to said good bye to Francesca last night. Grad school was a time of great growth for me and I am grateful for all the friends I met. But Francesca was important. Because even though I love the others, no one seemed to take the whole thing as seriously as I did. Except Francesca. She made me look like a slacker. But I needed someone to be able to discuss serious, intellectural issues with, without being told to lighten up, or have another drink. She was not intimidated by me.

Francesca is off on her next great adventure. We all must follow the path God lays out for us. She will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I think I got it

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 03:03:25 GMT

Happy summer times.

so this is what 20,000 steps feels like

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 02:12:35 GMT

First charity walk of the season - done!

Briggs and Al's for Children's. Five miles! I'm exhausted.

Next is Race for the Cure and then the Heart Walk.

It's tiring being so charitable.

It's been a while

Sun, 14 May 2006 23:19:05 GMT

The thesis is pretty much done. Well, I defended and got signatures. Now I just need to turn in the final draft before July 24.

Now I'm just packing and getting ready for graduation.

I like to play on myspace too. My rants are updated more frequently on there.

My own little cartoon personna

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 02:46:10 GMT

Happy news of the week

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 04:47:34 GMT

I now have a thesis committee!

The proposal is very nearly complete.

Next step is Institutional Review Board.

So far, so good.

This might actually get done on time.